


Shuichi Saito, Shuichi Saito, and uh...and Shuichi Saito.

by NOT_Kirie_Goshima



Category: Uzumaki, Uzumaki (Fan Reviews), Uzumaki | Spiral (2000)
Genre: Bullying, Crack, Crack Crossover, F/M, Fanon, M/M, Multiple Selves, Parody, poor Shuichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 08:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5120891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NOT_Kirie_Goshima/pseuds/NOT_Kirie_Goshima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The three versions of Shuichi from Uzumaki--manga canon, movie canon, and manga review--all meet each other. It goes exactly as well as it sounds.</p><p>(aka manga!Shuichi is scared, review!Shuichi is an asshole, and movie!Shuichi literally just does not care and has better things to do)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shuichi Saito, Shuichi Saito, and uh...and Shuichi Saito.

The only non-canon version of Shuichi Saito, Reviewing Fandom Shuichi, flung open the door with a grand sweeping gesture, apparently not caring that he was twenty minutes late. This...this  _meeting_ , as they called it, was scheduled for five o’clock. It was five-twenty. Review!Shuichi payed this no heed as he introduced himself loudly to the other two who already knew who he was:

“Hello, inconsequential peasants. I am your alternate self, the  _superior_ Shuichi Sato, and there’s nothing either of you sissys can do about it.”

Movie!Shuichi, the shortest one and the most physically distinguishable, simply replied in the most deadpan voice anyone had ever heard:

“Our surname is Saito, you nincompoop.”  
“Uh...that’s what I said! Get your hearing checked! Anyway, why does the other Shuichi look so fucking  _weird_? What’s up with his face?”

Review!Shuichi strode over to the only version who hadn’t yet spoken: manga!Shuichi, the original version on whom both review and movie!Shuichi were based. Manga!Shuichi shiftend into a defensive position at the sight of the other walking towards him with such a scary expression. Review!Shuichi continued to advance until he was all but pressing the poor boy into the wall behind him, and said boy continued to shrink away until he nearly lost his balance.

“Uh-huh, just what I thought: a pushover! So we’ve got a deadpan idiot, an anime schoolgirl, a total fucking hottie--that’s me, obviously--, and well, now all we need is a ditzy totally-out-of-it manic pixie dream girl like Kirie or something! Is there, like, a reviewing fandom of the movie or something?”  
“K-Kirie is not a...wait, w-what  _is_ a manic pixie dream girl?”  
“HA  _HA_! What a fucking idiot! And idiot and a pushover! God, I bend guys like you over my desk on a regular basis, holy  _shit_!”

Movie!Shuichi very nearly rolled his eyes, watching his counterparts argue. However, with his infinite reserves of self-control, he managed to remain blank-faced.

“A manic pixie dream girl is an overly energetic and fast-talking girl who never seems to run out of steam. She will talk your ears off by ranting quickly about everything that crosses her mind while she’s talking, and change the subject every couple sentences.”  
“O-oh...th-thank you for explaining.”  
“You’re welcome, moron.”  
“Who are  _you_ to call him a fucking moron, movie me? You’re a fucking moron, too! You’re  _both_ fuckin’ numbskulls! Like, honestly, I bet both of you have taken it up the ass from every guy in your schoo--”  
“I have already graduated. I am twenty-one.”  
“How’d  _you_ graduate? Fucked the teachers or something?”  
“The only time I had sex with a teacher was after I graduated. And I was on top.”  
“Well shit. And what about  _you,_ manga me?”

The youngest version of Shuichi stared intently at the ground.

“Uh...”  
“STOP FUCKING STUTTERING! I  _HATE_ PEOPLE WHO STUTTER! YOU SOUND LIKE A  _FUCKING_ ANIME SCHOOLGIRL!”  
“P-please stop--”  
“WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY ABOUT STUTTERING? HUH? ARE YOU DEAF AS WELL AS STUPID AND A PUSHOVER?”

As review!Shuichi shrieked furiously and towered very menacingly over his poor canon counterpart, manga!Shuichi trembled and found himself very nearly in tears.

“OH, AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING  _CRY_? OH, _FUCK ME_. I’M GONNA BE THE FIRST PERSON IN HISTORY TO BEAT UP  _HIMSELF_.”

And with that, he swung his fist at manga!Shuichi--only to be blocked by movie!Shuichi.

“What the hell are you doing defending him? What is  _with_ you two? How did the fucking reviewers even invent me? I’m nothing like either of you! Like, how did they look at  _this_ stupid little shoujo yaoi uke and get  _me_ ; a gorgeous, strong, handsome  _genius_? I mean, come on!”  
“Look, I’m just gonna say it straight up: I strongly dislike you, review guy. Go back to  _your_  Kurôzu-cho so I can judge my manga counterpart in peace without your ridiculous obnoxiousness interrupting.”  
“HA! You think you can just fucking order me to leave? As  _if_. You fucking  _wish_.  _YOU_ LEAVE.”  
“Yeah...know what? I think I will. I don’t particularly like either of you guys, even if you’re both  _me_ , and so I’m going to go back to  _my_  Kurôzu-cho and help Ichiro with his investigation. And probably have sexwith him. Bye.”

Movie!Shuichi hopped onto his bike and left review!Shuichi and manga!Shuichi to bicker--which, obviously, wasn’t going well.

“Well, kiddo, now that that  _stupid_ movie guy is gone, I can finally fucking  _beat_ the  _shit_ out of you. And then maybe  _fuck_ you or something. Assert my obvious superiority in one way or another, right?”  
“I-I give up, I surrender! Please, d-don’t hurt me! I, uh, think I should be getting back...t-to  _my_ Kurôzu-cho!”  
“Not a fucking chance,  _kid_.”

However, much to review!Shuichi’s irritation, his swing was blocked yet again--not by another version of Shuichi, but rather by a young woman who had suddenly entered the room. A very tall woman, with short ginger hair and blue eyes narrowed in irritation.

“Hey, I don’t care if  _you’re_  Shuichi too, don’t touch  _my_ Shuichi! God, this is  _weird_.”  
“K-Kirie!”  
“Yeah. Hey. Come on, let’s get back to  _our_ Kurôzu-cho, hm?”  
“Hey! What the everloving  _fuck_ is Kirie  _fucking_ Goshima doing here? Mind your own business, you stupid little girl--”  
“Oh my god, please stop talking. I’m just here to rescue  _my_ Shuichi, then I’ll get out of your hair!”

And with that, Kirie scooped manga!Shuichi up in her arms and promptly marched out of the room.

“Wow, they sound pretty mean. That’d odd, you’re not like that!”  
“A-are you sure?”  
“Oh, yeah! You’re adorable! To be honest, you should’ve seen  _my_ counterparts.”  
“Oh my. W-what were they like?”  
“My movie self was just weird, but she was nice, I guess, and definitely more bearable than my reviewing fandom self. Heh, I didn’t know that was how people perceived me...it’s so weird, y’know?”  
“Y-yeah, really weird. I-I think we’re the best versions of ourselves.”  
“Oh yeah. We are. We’re the best Kirie Goshima and the best Shuichi Saito  _ever_. And the best part is, we’re the original versions; our counterparts wouldn’t even exist, were it not for us!”  
“Yeah!”  
“Yeah! Woo!”  
“Take that, reviewing fandom me!”  
“Ha ha!”

And thus, Kirie and Shuichi agreed to never again have any contact with their counterparts.


End file.
